The Lover’s Guide: How to Enhance Your Intimacy, Lovemaking and Self Esteem by Using the Kama Sutra, Tantra and Taoist Sexuality
By Suzie Heumann
On a scale of 1 to 10, where do you put your self-knowledge about sex? If you were lucky, someone more knowledgeable than you taught you a little bit about it. But if you were not, like most of us, you may not rate yourself very high on this scale. And how do we KNOW we’re good at loving? Most of us haven’t had many lovers, or maybe none yet, so how do we learn the finer points of Love and Sex?
The ancient societies of China, Japan, India and the Middle East were very well versed in sexuality. They considered it a science and delved deeply into the meaning and practices surrounding many aspects of sensuality, sexuality and love. As long ago as 2000 BC, the Love Arts became firmly established as an integral component of a healthy lifestyle.
Enter modern woman and man. Each of us has to re-invent the wheel, so to speak, when it comes to love and sexuality. Magazines, books, videos, friends, and sometimes family, help us learn the basics. But in many ways our culture still hinders us from having an ecstatic, vibrant love life. Yet, pleasure is your birthright.
Many books have been written on this subject but there is a set of ‘Keys’ that will help you right now to transform your sexual experience. You can experiment with and practice these keys for your own personal pleasure. Each of us is different, and yet each of us is the same in many ways, so your unique sexploration with these keys will depend on you and the experience you want.
Learn To Breathe Correctly
You may not think breathing is very sexy, but you couldn’t be further from the truth. The benefits are extraordinary and have direct health benefits, too. Learning to breathe deeply into your belly increases relaxation, decreases tension and stress, and puts more oxygen into your blood stream. Oxygen is what delivers the ‘O’ in Orgasm.
Deeply Relax Your Whole Body
Tightening the pelvic region shuts down the body’s capacity for full-bodied orgasmic pleasure. It is almost impossible to tighten the pelvic region while breathing deeply into the belly, which in turn, relaxes you completely. Many women get to about a 7 or 8 level of arousal (based on a 1 to 10 scale) during sexual activity and then something happens. The feeling slips away! They struggle to get it back only to have it slip again.
When arousal is building, the natural inclination is to start to tighten the pelvis and vaginal region and stop breathing. This constricts the blood vessels, decreases blood flow (and hence the oxygen flow) and begins to shut your body down to sexual stimuli. By relaxing your body completely and focusing your mind on deep breathing (instead of worrying about why you aren’t orgasming quickly) you not only gain all of this back, but you begin to build your arousal levels quickly again. With a little practice you can quicken your sexual responsiveness and smooth out the ride to orgasm.
Getting Present with Each Other
Before you begin making love, sit on the bed, facing each other, and eye gaze and breathe deeply together. Eye gazing is easy – simply soften your eyes and look into your partner’s eyes without "doing anything." The eyes are the windows to the soul. The next time you are making love look deeply into your lover’s eyes. Stay immersed in them and focused. Experience the whole event from that perspective, if possible. Come back to your breath if your attention lapses.
Become a Virtuoso
Learn the right way to do Kegel or PC muscle sexercises and DO them. You thought they were only for sprucing up your muscle tone after childbirth or fixing your bladder control, but their real importance is in sexual response. Your orgasms will be stronger and longer and more satisfying if you have strong PC muscles. You will want sex more often, and you’ll be turned-on more. Work up to 200 a day. This won’t take you longer than 5 or 6 minutes once you’ve learned them. You’ll like these if you want to up the ante on your sex drive. Avoid over-doing your sexercises when you start. These are muscles and they need to be grown, not blown.
Give Quality Touch
Pay close attention to how you are touching. Be very deliberate in the touch quality you offer. Put your attention on what you are doing. Notice if your own fingers feel exquisite to you. If they do, then your lover will be feeling it too!
Create a Sensual Spirit in the Bedroom
A deep sense of spirit and sensuality is easy to create, especially in your bedroom. Your bedroom can be a sanctuary and a hide-a-way where you start and end your day. To help create your best "set and setting," design a space that is sensual, cozy, and restful. Throughout most high cultures of the past, the art of decoration and placement was an important aspect of how life was conducted. Combining the sensual with the spiritual can birth a fresh essence in your relationship.
Communicate
Use your brain, your heart and your voice during sex. Communicate! Men actually don’t like being mind readers, and neither do women. Each person knows they aren’t getting it right sometimes. Your partner wants you to tell them but they want you to tell them the right way. Here’s a simple 3-step lesson to use when you aren’t getting what you want:
- Make a small compliment about something that is right. "Honey, I like the light touch you’re using on my…"
- Make a single request: "Could you try doing the same thing but faster?"
- Make a comment: "Wow, I thought that would be great but it doesn’t work." Or "Yes, that’s it. Oh my!"
Get the picture? It’s called a sandwich: Say something that is working, ask for a single change, make an acknowledgement of the change, whether it worked or not. With this kind of a feedback cycle you’ll both be more empowered to learn so much more about each other. You’ll notice that you may start using this simple process with others in your life, too. It is one of the easiest and best communication techniques available.
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